Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
