i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
