The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
