Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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