my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
