I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
