yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
