It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
