Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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