I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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