She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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