Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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