so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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