Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
