what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you traded sex for a burrito?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
