I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
