so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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