3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
