i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
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Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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