She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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