I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
