I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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