Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
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We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
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Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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