watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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