I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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