You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
