whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
