I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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