My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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