Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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