Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
