i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
