Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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