Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
