have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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