Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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