if i can run in heels then i can drive
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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