i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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