well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
