Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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