good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
