I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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