I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
