At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
