I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
