grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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