Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
