That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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