just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
