I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
