My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
