My friends, they love my intelligence
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
