Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
