Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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