I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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