I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
