My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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